Noli Me Tangere wands only!
by tepid sponge bath
Summary: This is ridiculous. Seriously.  It was written for an English subject just to see how many words starting with the letter 's' could be crammed into a single story.  It just seemed a pity that it should sit in one of my files forever.


Noli Me Tangere  
wands only!

Severus Snape, the sallow-skinned head of Slytherin, sat on a gilded silver chair. The silence was strangely deafening. A snail slithered into the corridor. Snape, being bored, turned it into a stinking bottle of soda pop. It exploded and left only a smelly sea green mushroom cloud. Severus was still in a deep stupor. The stress of being the teacher of the subtle science of potion-making and Head of Slytherin house was beginning to sink in. He stood up and sighed.

As he turned around, he glimpsed a silhouette that looked strangely similar to that of someone he once knew. He whipped around and saw Sirius Black, skeleton- like, standing in the shadows. For some reason, a subtle saffron-yellow canister of sumptuous, sour cream sumac crisps was standing beside a pile of pink Sketchers'sneakers. The shoes and sundry had appeared as soon as Severus had spun around.

He smiled a sinister smile.

"So - it's you."

"Please tell me I'm somnambulating."

"You are. I'm sleepwalking, too - at least I hope so."

"For your sake and mine." Sirius sauntered over to the window at the other end of the corridor. The moonlight sifting softly through the shutters could have inspired even the most vile sorcerer to sing sweet sonnets about sunsets and salamanders and sawdust - but not Severus at the moment. Not even Sirius.

"Squalid Moony," said Sirius."Loony today."

Severus clenched his fists and teeth. Lupin, also known as Moony, was no better than that sap, Black. His robes swished and swirled as he spun to leave.

"Before you evaporate, Snape, I have something to say that might be of importance to you."

"I never knew you cared," hissed Severus, sarcastically.

"Believe me, I somehow benefit from what I stated in my previous sentence."

"So?"

I shall be appointed as the Defense Against the Dark Arts Proffessor. Surprise you?"

Snape started. Then he snapped.

Before Sirius could step away, Severus lunged at him. Severus drew his wand and screamed the first spell that sped into his cerebrum.

"_Serpensortia!_"

Severus stepped back to see the serpent strangling Sirius. Sirius stretched his arm and siezed a Sketchers' sneaker which he slammed on the snake's scaly head. The snake simply and instantly evaporated. Sirius snapped. He chucked the shoe at Snape. Severus snatched the shoe just before it struck his solar plexus. Sirius snatched Severus' wand and slipped it into a secret sarcophagus concealed in the window sill. The Sketchers' sneakers slipped and the shiny shoes were scattered on the stone floor.

While the Sketchers' stuff slid about, Severus thought that this little struggle might become sanguinary. Then it also came to him how much he would like to slaughter Black. Also how he should enjoy smashing him to smithereens.

The scramble that had stopped started again. Severus socked Sirius in the eye. Sirius slipped on a spot of slime. Lucky him, he scooped up the saffron-yellow canister of sumptuous, sour-cream sumac crisps. He shied it at Severus. Just like a Muggle space shuttle, the saffron-yellow canister fell like a stone to the floor, the scrumptious snack crisps strewn on the floor mixing with the Sketcher's sneakers. The saffron-yellow lid, marked with 'SALUBRIOUS' in a sick shade of green, sped on, straight and true, to hit Severus right smack between the eyes. The last thing that Snape saw before entirely losing consciousness was a strawberry doughnut solidifying from thin air and that very snack starting to smack him left and right.

Severus Snape awoke with a start. He heaved a sigh of relief. Last night's struggle had been a dream - a silly, senseless, stupid, sissy dream. A soft scratching and rustling caused him to look at his small bedside table. A slightly spotted snowy owl with streaks of silver on its wings was perched on the tail of a pewter scorpion. It hooted sleepily before sailing out of the window on a light summer breeze. Severus unrolled the scrunched-up scroll the owl had left and read the following:

To Prof. Severus Snape, Kindly sally forth to the seventy-second sitting room in the south wing at sixteen seconds past seven-oh-six. We will be having a small celebration for Sirius Black who has consented to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher next school year. The menu will include scones (scorched and unscorched), sherbet, sumac crisps, hot and sour soup, sauer braten and the essential strawberry doughnut. Please scurry over to the kitchens and pick up the shortbread before going. Don't forget the iced tea, spiked with lemon! _Minerva McGonagall_ P.S. Please don't be surprised if you see a stack of pink Sketchers' sneakers outside your door. They are meant for the sixth years' Transfiguration. Sorry! 

Severus Snape started to scream. 


End file.
